We write the lists for radio. In other words, they are designed to sound best when read out loud with the appropriate sound effects and voice inflection, proper timing, bullshit extraneous comments, and of course radio static. See what you think. If you have suggestions for categories / jokes, please e-mail us! Be sure to check back for new and old additions!
The Latest:
Top 5 Announcements Heard Over the Baghdad Airport P.A. System
5. The white zone is for loading or unloading of suicide bombers only. There is no exploding in the white zone.
4. We're sorry, you have NOT activated the metal and explosives detection system. Please return to the security checkpoint for a complimentary bomb.
3. Would a member of the imperialist infidel baby-killing invaders please pick up a white courtesy phone.
2. Flight C-130 from Kuwait City arriving now in Crater 4.
1. Would the owner of 45 Hum-V's, 18 Bradly fighting vehicles, and 50 M1-A1 Abrams tanks please move their vehicles?
The Rest:
Top 5 Celine Dion War Songs
5. I Drove All Night with the 7th Cavalry and Boy Does My Ass Hurt
4. My Heart Will Go on Beating Outside My Chest Amidst the Rubble
3. L'Boom!
2. Love, and Tactical Nuclear Weapons, Can Move Mountains
1. My Family Speaks Freedom
Top 5 Snoop Dogg Weapons Systems
8. M.G.D.- 40
7. Panzer 6.4. with 20" rims that keep on spinnin'
6. Mad Skillz
5. The Cap Buster 1.8.7.
4. DIRTY Bomb... NAAASTY Bomb
3. The Apatchle Helikizzle
2. Bomb Diggity
1. Intercontinental Ballistic Mizzle Fo Shizzle (I to the C to the B to the M, y'all!)
Top 5 Signs Mr. Rogers Didn't Like You or Was Actually Wolfe
5. Those dress shoes didn't go into the closet, they came flyin' at your head.
4. You once woke up tied to little tiny trolley tracks.
3. Picture Picture had photos of him and your girlfriend.
2. "Feeding the fish" involved hardened cement around your feet.
1. And I quote… "I hate you, just for being you."
Top 5 Al-Qaeda Screen Names
5. luv2xplod
4. TIE: u can call me al -OR- Cuba cage 16822
3. KOran SCHMOran
2. Al-Qaeveman
1. osama bin naughty
Top 5 Signs The Governor Is Really a Monkey
5 - Begins legislative sessions by rhythmically banging together two cymbals.
4 - Mud slingin'? Hell no... POO Slingin'!!!
3 - Tries to mount and dominate other attendees at the Governor's conference
2 - Every Saturday night, he eats banana bread and watches "Every Which Way But Loose," and "Every Which Way You Can."
1 - He's a daydream believer and a homecoming queen.
Top 5 Things to Do Under an Orange Alert
5. Follow Intern Bruce's lead by calming your fears with screwdriver after screwdriver.
4. Fashion a homemade gas mask out of a Minute Maid carton.
3. Report to the Total Information Awareness Office any suspicious activities of Muslim Extremist Pumpkins
2. Volunteer to get the hell out of Knoxville, Tennessee
1. Bomb Florida
Top 5 Rejected Names for Engineer Nick's New Website
6. www.ducttapeandchewinggum.com
5. www.haveyouseenmytv.tv
4. www.ctrl-alt-del.ca (sorry, it's an inside joke, call for more info)
3. www.realmoflanparty.org
2. http://www.wheresthexlrtoquarterinchadapter.com/itssupposedtobeinthisbag/damnit/ohwait/Igotitnow.html
1. www.lol.brb.omg.imo.otb.ttfn.com
Top 5 Signs Your Butt is Too Cold
5. People that work for you are stuck to it.
4. Can be used as first aid for burns on your hand, or at least that's your excuse.
3. The toilet seat feels toasty warm.
2. You can see your breath and your gas.
1. Fudge Pops and Dingle-cicles
Top 5 Reasons Dogs are Jealous of Humans
8. They can turn down an offer to work with Cuba Gooding Jr.
7. Their mighty powers of illusion, i.e. only appearing to throw the ball
6. Rarely suckling more than one kid at a time
5. Car rides every day!
4. Because of their body structure, they aren't tempted by the addictive sweet nectar of self-licking.
3. They can wash their bed sheets any time they please
2. Their powerful minds hold the clues to the puzzle of the intricate cabinet door and mysterious biscuit box
1. Bigger butts, more to smell
Top 5 Worst Fears of Pizza Delivery Persons
6. The president can't push through his tax cut on stock dividends.
5. Another ambush from the Hot Wing delivery faction
4. Coveting thy neighbor's cheesy goodness
3. Door opens, Todd answers, porn music kicks in.
2. Traveler's checks.
1. Getting stiffed, and we don't mean from Todd.
Top 5 Driving School Superheroes
10. White Knuckler (also a euphamism for masturbating)
9. The Crashinator
8. Queen Hydroplania
7. The Cone
6. Clutch Cargo
5. Lead Foot
4. The Highbeam Flash
3. AquaTread
2. Green Escort
1. James Brown
Top 5 Reasons Michael Jackson Dangled His Baby Over a Balcony
6. Teaching him to moonwalk.
5. The au-pair was busy shaking Prince Michael the First
4. Attempting to darken his skin in the sunshine
3. A WAY out-of-control game of "Got Your Nose"
2. Eww, eww, stinky-poo.
1. Because the Kid is Not His Son.
Top 5 Reasons to Do It In a Public Place
7. Do what in a public place?
6. Just so you can say you've done it somewhere that Intern Bruce has done it.
5. Great way to get to know the other people in line at the bank.
4. When you're done, someone else can hand you the "fun rag."
3. During the Christmas season, you can get back to your shopping quicker by using the center court fountain as a bidet.
2. If you don't get someone else's opinion first, you'll never have a hope of making it in the Olympics
1. Applause
Top 5 Uses for Used Pumpkins
5. Once it gets good and soft, take it to Gallagher's nursing home and give the old coot one more moment of glory.
4. Paint it red and make it into a Sant-a-lantern
3. Thanksgiving Turkey Gut Bucket
2. Use it in your budget dentistry practice for illiterate country people to show you where it hurts.
1. Used Pumpkin Pie
Top 5 Signs That The Holiday Season Has Already Started
6. You're already up to three stolen Salvation Army bells.
5. UPS drivers switching from short brown pants to long brown pants.
4. Intern Bruce puts all of our gifts on layaway at the dollar store. (Lee wants his two-liter of "Dr. Brown")
3. Kids are trick-or-treating with Santa-head buckets
2. The Easter Bunny is turning over the keys to his mall kiosk to Santa Claus.
1. It JUST ended!
Top 5 Surprises in Strom Thurmond's Final Senate Speech
Fun fact: Strom Thurmond is old enough to have received votes from Confederate veterans.
5. Since 1989, during any long filibuster, a "South Turd-olina" would secede from his "ass union."
4. Strom Thurmond is the inventor and namesake of the Thermos.
3. Rachel is going to marry Ross
2. Bustin' out the jams and dancin' with the booty girls in a rousing rendition of Hammer's "Too Legit to Quit"
1. Betsy Ross was a lousy lay.
Top 5 Reasons September 11th Has Ruined Big Hair Rock
5. Bret Michael's hairspray considered a deadly weapon by airlines.
4. Tawney Kitaen no longer available for videos, now used as bomb and drug sniffing dog.
3. FBI phone monitoring hits on any use of the terms Poison, Anthrax, Europe, Guns, Crue, Nightranger, Riot, Warrant or Slaughter.
2. Winger.
1. The Arabic slang term for bioterror is "HUA!"
Top 5 Unusual Features of the Christian Zoo
5. Informational plaque for each animal says on which day it was made.
4. You must be married to enter the petting zoo.
3. TIE: Monkey diapers. -OR- Unbearable locust aviary.
2. There are no lambs on display, but the open-pit barbeque is fantastic.
1. The entire zoo is located atop, and within, a gigantic boat.
Top 5 Signs You've Overdone It
6. Toward the end, nothing but air comes out.
5. Your chocolate milk looks exactly like what's left of your chocolate syrup.
4. Second degree burns on your ankles
3. Even Arthur Anderson can't balance your checkbook.
2. Sunday afternoon you wake up to 17 desperate, pleading messages on your answering machine from a husky-voiced Asian man named Angela.
1. It can be seen from space!
Top 5 Bush Girl Nicknames
5. Lush Limbaugh
4. Princess Point-o-Eight
3. Stupid the Third Squared
2. Mary Kate and Ashley Molson
1. Dubyamint Twins
Top 5 Signs Your Major League Baseball Player is Too Tired
5. In contract negotiations, confuses the word "millions" with the word "billions," then snorts and giggles incessantly.
4. Fidgets on his La-Z-Boy in the dugout.
3. Batter gets walked, takes a cab.
2. Throws like a girl.
1. You just fed him his bottle, and he's STILL crying.
Top 5 Unusual Features of the New AbioCor Artificial Heart
5. When someone tugs on your heart strings, you say one of twelve amusing phrases.
4. Converts to stock ticker when wirelessly connected to Datek.com
3. Conveniently imprinted 800-number in case lost or stolen
2. Unlimited heart rate on nights and weekends
1. Detects Viagra, pumps faster
Top 5 TV Shows Starring the Colorado Arsonist
5. Hot Off the Grill with Bobby Flay
4. BJ and Smokey the Bear
3. Inflammable Island
2. TIE: Law & Order: Burn Victims Unit OR Scoobie Doo and the Case of the Incredibly Crazy Bitch
1. Oz-burns
Top 5 Complaints of Cloaca Operators
5. With toddlers at home, it's now 24 hours a day of the same damn smell.
4. Every magazine the machine takes into the bathroom gets inexplicably wet.
3. It's pointless to feed it corn.
2. Take Your Daughter to Work Day is a miserable crying experience.
1. This is a crappy job!!!
Top 5 Least Likely Topics for Britney Spears Lyrics
5. Shopping for clothes at Wal-Mart
4. Bling bling
3. TIE: Changing diapers -OR- universal health care
2. Zak Smith of Presque Isle, Maine.
1. FORTRAN
Top 5 Signs Your Town Has Been Overrun By Cheerleaders
5. Police blotter is chock full of fashion no-no's.
4. Cop directing traffic is standing on the shoulders of another cop.
3. All street signs are now huge sheets of paper with watercolor writing.
2. City Council meetings are fun for a change since the Mayor got his "spirit fingers"
1. Town center war hero statue replaced with likeness of Tony Basil. (HEY MICKEY!)
Top 5 Complaints of Robotic Animal Owners
5. When the dogs exhaust fan comes on while company is over.
4. Super Unleaded is up to $1.60 per gallon.
3. The harsh tinny echo of a barking Chihuahua MX3000 shatters windows.
2. Playing with Kittybot leaves metal shavings all over your clothes.
1. Won't chase a Frisbee. Just shoots it down
Top 5 Names of Racehorses Sure to Lose
8. Jockey Eater
7. The Love of Robert Blake
6. Steaming Morning Bran Muffins
5. Greyhound
4. Two in the Pink One in the Stink
3. Pees Like a Human
2. Princess Zoloft Prozac
1. Tripod
Top 5 Relationship Complaints of Spiderman
5. When she washes his costumes on hot, so he's out fighting crime in skin-tight lavender.
4. When she drives him up the wall, she REALLY drives him up the wall.
3. Can't make her understand that his spider sense is constantly set off by Glade plug-ins.
2. Always gets nagged at the dinner table for wrapping up his meat loaf and sucking through a straw.
1. He always has to sleep in the sticky spot.
Top 5 Embarrassing Spring Break Moments for Engineering Students
5. Construction on his beer can pyramid didn't meet OSHA regulations
4. Miscalculating the length vs force vs mass of MTV's bungee jump structure
3. Having picture taken at the wet-button-down contest
2. Had to dislodge his t-square after a nasty parasailing accident. (Maybe it was up his ass?)
1. Going to class
Top 5 Little Known Bird Digestive Facts
5. Along side quill and ink, birds were used in the 17th and 18th centuries as convenient white-out dispensers.
4. Mid-air crapping gives them that last bit of altitude they were looking for.
3. Their apparent intestinal anger comes from the fact that Henry Ford's original Model T was made of birds.
2. They're unable to resist a pile of bird seed with a sign in it saying "Free Bird Seed!"
1. They always roll the toilet paper under instead of over.
Top 5 Signs You Aren't Going to Win the Olympic Ski Jump
5. You couldn't resist a triple-dog dare from the Austrians to lick the ski lift
4. Is that a bobsled you hear behind you?
3. You missed your last payment to the French judge.
2. You land in the sand trap.
1. You're sponsored by The New Steel
Top 5 Singalongs for Gay Kids
5. Christopher Lowell Was a Merry Ol' Soul
4. Gary Had a Little Lamb
3. The Ants Go Gay Pride Marching
2. TIE: What Will We Do with the Drunken Sailor -OR- Blow the Man Down
1. D-I-L-D-O
Top 5 Mormon Olympic Events
5. 5k Black Tie Bicycle Race
4. The Osmond "Little Bit Country, Little Bit Rock 'n' Roll" Biathalon
3. Women's Cover-Up Your Figure Skating
2. The 10 Wife Relay
1. Synchronized Singing
Top 5 Exhibits at the Kandahar Art Show
5. Burka Descending a Staircase
4. Mapplethorpe's less famous "Food Aid Package Shoved Up a Guys Ass"
3. Hemp Turbins
2. For 50 cents, kids can get their beards painted.
1. Cave Paintings
Top 5 Michael Jackson Heath and Beauty Aids
5. White Diamonds
4. Johnson and Johnson Baby Shampoo (for those staying in the guest room)
3. Career Restorer and Habit Concealer by Futility
2. Clairol's Nose & Chin Bench Grinder
1. White-Out
Top 5 Boring Romance Novels
5. The Eyes of the Stove
4. With this Couch I thee Sit
3. TIE: He Rode a Dodge Spirit -OR- The Dark Prints of Kinko's
2. Accountant Heat
1. Passion for Dummies
Top 5 Ways George W. Bush mispronounces "Terror"
9. Tara Lipinski
8. Firestone Tire
7. Scarlet O'Hara
6. Meryl Haggard
5. Larry Daryl and Daryl
4. DY-NO-MITE!
3. Scary man go boom boom
2. Texas Rangers
1. Tora Tora Tora
Top 5 Superstitions of Stupid People (Although this might be redundant.)
6. Never ever put precisely five items in any list
5. Bad things come in trees.
4. If things are going well with your girlfriend, knock on your wood.
3. If you "spill seed," throw it over your shoulder for good luck.
2. It's bad luck to run headlong into a brick wall at 50mph
1. Step on a crack, get your shoe all brown.
Top 5 Ways You Didn't Realize Elder Care was Related to Terrorism
5. Seniors operate in independent terror cells known as "bowling leagues."
4. Surprisingly, all terrorist complain their kids don't come visit them enough.
3. Dentures pass undetected through all forms of security checkpoints.
2. You got your serin gas, cyanide, and coming in a close third: bed pans.
1. First in to any conflict? The pale blue knitted berets!
Top 5 Signs Your Airport Security Agent is Going Overboard
5. She makes you delete your mp3 of Bryan Adams "Cuts Like a Knife"
4. He sweats in your underwear to see if it's real underwear.
3. He asks "Has anyone else packed your bags, and are you still a virgin?"
2. He's wearing a cape and calling himself Magnetotron.
1. He finds polyps in your large intestine
Top 5 Formative Events in Osama Bin Laden's Childhood
5. Playing the bearded Sunflower in his 2nd grade school play
4. Reading the Koran left to right
3. Playing "I'll show you mine if you keep yours covered"
2. Cruise missiles continuously shoved up his ass. (Oh, wait that's a current problem.)
1. Trying to organize a school dance in a small midwestern town, only to be foiled by the old fashioned reverend played by John Lithgow.
Top 5 Things to Do with Stray Kittens
5. Save money on treating your windshield with Rain-X
4. Exfoliate WAY better than with your last loofah sponge
3. Bait for Dog-fishing.
2. Salsa!!!!!
1. Attach them to the bumper just below the "Just Married" sign.
Top 5 College Classes That Prepare You to Be in Playboy
5 - AIR 121: Paint, Plaster & Touch-ups
4 - TIT 222: Objects and Forms (it's an art class…)
3 - ASS 223: Objects and Forms II
2 - PSY 469: Ummmm… Psychology? What else could it be?
1 - HEF 100: Geriatric Sexuality
Top 5 Ridiculous Cereal Box Toys
5 - "Looks Just Like Cereal" collectible fridge magnets
4 - Magic color changing Flintstone anal thermometer
3 - Audubon Society's "Give Birth to Your Own Spider Kit"
2 - Mattel's Big Empty Bowl
1 - Captain W. Presidential Decoder Ring!!
Top 5 Rejected Names for "Love My Carpet!"
5 - Romance my Remnants!
4 - Wanna Ball my Wall-to-Wall!
3 - Munch my Rug!
2 - Clean your damned house!
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