We write the lists for radio. In other words, they are designed to sound best when read out loud with the appropriate sound effects and voice inflection, proper timing, bullshit extraneous comments, and of course radio static. See what you think. If you have suggestions for categories / jokes, please e-mail us! Be sure to check back for new and old additions!
Top 5 Lewinsky Pet Names for Clinton
5 - Staff of Chief
4 - Osama Ben Naughty
3 - (fingers in mouth) Mr. President -or- Leader of the Free Willy
2 - Buddy Lickums Good Dog
1 - Head Head
Top 5 Signs There Are Aliens in Your Garden
5 - A black-clad County Extension Officer zaps every memory you ever had of your okra.
4 - Fox Television is showing grainy black & white footage of you chopping up one of your melons.
3 - Every time Sigourney Weaver visits, a radish pops out of someone's chest.
2 - Your biggest pumpkin gives the neighbor's kid, Linus, an anal probe.
1 - Mater Circles
Top 5 Signs You Have a Satanic Teenager
5 - Cleans his room with a pitchfork and a menacing hot wind from the bowels of the Earth.
4 - Has pimples arranged in the shape of a pentagram
3 - Helps with dinner by growling and pulling out hot Corningware from the oven with his bare hands.
2 - When playing "Go Fish," she's always asking for more 6's.
1 - Tries to tell you the goat innards and chicken heads in the toilet is her bulimia.
Top 5 Suprises in the New Tarzan Movie
5 - His vine hits an iceburg, he freezes to death and sinks below the frozen jungle canopy.
4 - President Clinton stops by on his African tour and asks Jane to "kiss it".
3 - The big, goofy Ewok party at the end.
2 - Really obvious people dressed as gorillas... oh, wait. That's Congo.
1 - He trains Bob Ross to paint jungle scenes. (Paint tree how you want. Happy tree! Your world.)
Top 5 Ways Clinton Proposed Destroying the Earth-Bound Asteroid
5 - Bounce Reagan's Star Wars lasers off of Chelsea's teeth
4 - Sick um, Buddy!!! (Good dog.)
3 - Send some IRS bloodsuckers on a space audit.
2 - Have the asteroid murdered in a park.
1 - The Arkansas Razorbacks as PIIIIIIGS IIINNNN SPAAAAAAAACE!!
Top 5 Promises Clinton Made to Birmingham Tornado Victims
5 - He will lift the band on human cloning so all fallen trees can be replaced with Al Gore.
4 - He'll learn complex tornado fighting secrets through private, closed-door, one-on-one session with Helen Hunt.
3 - He will rename Buddy to Toto to honor their loss.
2 - He will donate all proceeds of Hillary's latest book "It TOOK a village."
1 - Since the tornado blew so well, he will ensure that it gets a job at the Pentagon.
Top 5 Boy Scout Romance Novels
5 - Totin' Chip… Luvin' Chip!
4 - From a Spark Comes a Fire
3 - From Here to the Other Side of the Street
2 - Scout Master, Scout Servant
5 - McNuggets and bits and bits and bits...
4 - It just doesn't get any deader than this.
3 - Food, folks and balloon angioplasty.
2 - You don't deserve jack squat today!
1 - Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions and a curly black hair!
Top 5 Strange Dreams Sonny Bono Had in 1997
5 - Playing the lead role in George of the Jungle.
4 - Being watched over by a British Au Pair in a log cabin.
3 - Being a sled dog that wouldn't stop barking and barking and barking and barking.
2 - Going 65mph and running into Cher's new butt.
1 - Playing football with Michael Kennedy.
Top 5 Signs OUR Interns Have Been Having Sex with President Clinton
5 - Suddenly they're interviewing with Howard Stern.
4 - Supreme Court justices are now constantly asked for nouns, verbs, and adjectives.
3 - "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome live on Lee & Wolfe, Roger Clinton!"
2 - When special interest groups ask for new legislative proposals, they hear "O.k., we'll try and get that one on for you."
1 - And now it's time for… (big echo here) "The State of the Union!"
Top 5 Things Jill the Giraffe and the World's Shortest Man Had in Common Jill, of the Birmingham Zoo, and the 1' 10" shortest man both recently passed away...
5 - Hyper-extending something on every attempt to use a toilet.
4 - Sex required help from a Geometry teacher.
3 - 2 works: Monkey harassment.
2 - Mail ordering clothes always ended in laughter and an abrupt hang-up.
1 - Enduring the humiliating question: "So... anyone 'spotted' you today?"
Top 5 Failed Chiquita Banana Slogans
5 - I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I have the world's perfect food in my ear.
4 - It's not just for feces-throwin' monkeys anymore…
3 - MAN IS AN AN-I-MAL!!! …so eat bananas.
2 - You say bananas, I say Cunanan; let's call the whole thing off.
1 - No other fruit gives you so much potassium or so much fellatio practice.
Top 5 Signs Tuscaloosa Mayor Al Dupont Was a Welfare Kid
5 - City Fest is sponsored by AB Check Cashing and Confidential Title Pawn.
4 - At every city counsel meeting, he proposes to add more fire hydrants to, quote, play in.
3 - Instead of Cinco de Mayo, declares the municipal holiday "Primero del Mes."
2 - Doesn't support Kip Tyner's bid for the city counsil 'cause that pretty rich boy's just another example of the man tryin' to bring us down.
1 - Downtown parking meters take food stamps!
Top 5 Unsuccessful Restaurant Themes
5 - Cousteau’s Very Dead Sushi House
4 - They Might Be Giant Helpings
3 - I Can’t Believe It’s Not Uganda!
2 - Sure Happy It’s Thursday’s
1 - Bornagains
Top 5 Alternative Punishments for Timothy McVeigh
5 - Dropped off naked in Oklahoma indian reservation where "skinhead" has a whole different meaning...
4 - 10,000 sentences: "I love the ATF."
3 - Now gotsta work for 95.7 JAMZ, ‘cuz it’s DA BOMB!!!
2 - Give Janet Reno a blow job.
1 - "Hanson’s Here!" (which ironically is the same as last week’s "things you don’t wanna hear at your birthday party)…
Top 5 Things you don’t want to hear at your birthday party
5 - "The Amway catalog will take returns, just in case."
4 - "What do you mean, how did I make green frosting?"
3 - "Why do the clown’s balloons all say ‘West Alabama AIDS Outreach’?"
2 - "Hey Lee! Wolfe! Do another Top 5 list!"
1 - "Hanson’s here!"
Top 5 Unusual Stipulations in Bob Dole’s Loan to Newt Gingrich
5 - Newt must go to Bob’s house every night and sing him to sleep with the "Dole Man" song.
4 - Must make all loan payments at UA’s financial aid department without a parking decal.
3 - Newt must now stop using a salad bowl and a bottle of white out to do his hair.
2 - Must bring him the head of the Clinton of his choice.
1 - Arm polishing!
Top 5 Complications in George Bush’s Skydive
5 - Secret service couldn’t pull the rip cord and hold their earpieces in at the same time.
4 - Puked on the Japanese skydiver above him.
3 - CNN Correspondant Bernard Shaw had flashbacks, and started releasing anti-aircraft fire.
2 - Ground crew laughing histerically at Babs in that blue dress, and a parachuting Springer Spaniel.
1 - His pathetic screams of, "Na Ga Daaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!"
Top 5 Things Overheard at the Clinton / Yeltsin Summit At the time this was written, Clinton was in a wheelchair from knee injuries.
5 - "Beer run? Again?!?!"
4 - "Sir? Sir? Wake up, sir! Wake up! C’mon, wake up sir!"
3 - "No Mr. President, I’m pretty sure he won’t mistake you for Roosevelt like that."
2 - "My Constitution’s more bothersome than your Constitution!"
1 - "Maybe they’ll remain upright if we prop ‘em against each other."
Top 5 Signs Your Boyfriend is Really a Clone
5 - Puts $50 per week on his library copy card.
4 - His favorite practical joke? Every time he visits, he asks to borrow a cup of DNA.
3 - Secretly starts wearing size 55 EE shoes. (Whoops! Sorry, that was from The Top Five Signs Your Boyfriend is Really a CLOWN.)
2 - He walks around the house all day -- mumbling "then we told two friends and we told two friends and so on and so on.."
1 - He keeps offering to "double your pleasure, double your fun."
Top 5 Deng Xaiopeng Death Bed Confessions
5 - Chinese people all look the same to me.
4 - David Copperfield never actually passed through the wall.
3 - NOTHING depends on the price of tea here.
2 - The tatto on my ass is the kanji characters for Proletariat Stud Puppy.
1 - Even though I’m named "Dung", I can’t stand the Pu Pu platter.
Top 5 Ways to convince people you’re a turtle
5 - When faced with danger, pull your sweater over your head. (Your turtle neck sweater.)
4 - When you take your kids to the beach, bury them at low tide.
3 - Keep your car well waxed and buy all your gas at Shell.
2 - Yell at someone, then apologize by saying "Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a turtle."
1 - Race every Volkswagen Rabbit you see!
Top 5 Signs That You Are Marrying the Wrong Man Three of these things actually happened to a friend of mine in previous engagements... LO.
5 - He keeps talking about his "real wife."
4 - You notice the wedding is planned to coincide with halftime.
3 - You get a call from Allrenco asking for last month's rent on the ring.
2 - He's started wearing your makeup.
1 - He insists on the Space Jam China Pattern.
Top 5 Things Overheard at the Westminster Kennel Club Show
5 - Who took a shih-tzu in the bathroom???
4 - What's in the bag? I CAN'T REEEEAAD!!
3 - Toilet water! Right here, get yer toilet water!
2 - Bitch!
1 - I don't care if she did sniff you first, Wolfe.
Top 5 Side Effects Experienced by Cows with Mad Cow Disease
5 - They fill out applications at Longhorn
4 - They grow udders that looks exactly like Alfred E. Newman
3 - They spontaneously organize a million cow march on Washington
2 - Splashing paint on biker gangs screaming "leather is murder!!"
1 - They tip themselves
Top 5 Signs Your Dog Watches Too Much TV
5 - All of your videotapes are filled with reruns of Boomer.
4 - A foor legged health rider arrived from the Home Shopping Club.
3 - You know all the words to Snoop Doggy Dogg videos.
2 - You have to go out in the backyard and dig up the remote.
1 - Slobber on the screen.
Top 5 Gary Casparov excuses for losing to a computer Mr. Casparov eventually won the best of five games--humans retain their slight superiority.
5 - Constantly reminded of his breakup with Bill Gates.
4 - Couldn't remember the keystrokes for checkmate in Windows `95
3 - He lost his copy of "Computer Chess For Dummies"
2 - Distracted by Internet images at "www.prisonfist.com."
1 - He thought he was playing solitare.
Top 5 Reasons the Olympics Should Once Again be in the Nude They were naked in ancient Greece, you know.
5 - It would make mens hurdles much more riveting & suspenseful
4 - The womens pole vault would be a completely different event
3 - watching New York athletes say "I got yer javelin right here!!"
2 - Slow Motion replays would be uproariously funny
1 - 3 words: Synchronized Swimming Tassels
Top 5 Things To Scream On an Airplane
5 - If that little room is still occupied, I’m goin’ in the cockpit!
4 - Snake, Snake, Snake!!!!
3 - Oh pew! Someone crack a window!
2 - Soylent Peanuts are people!!!!
1 - No, stewardess, I can’t fly a 767!
Top Five ways to annoy a plumber
5 - Keep yelling, "Hey! I drink out of that, you know!"
4 - Pretend his ass is a high school yearbook and be the first to sign his crack.
3 - Snicker incessantly while asking if he's been "laying much pipe" lately.
2 - Right in front of his eyes, boldly flush a tampon.
1 - Insist that 2000 Flushes and Lever 2000 are the same damned thing.
Top Five signs your mother doesn't love you anymore
5 - You receive a "Dear John Jr." letter.
4 - On your birthday, she sings "Happy Birthday dear vicious creature who ripped my body apart twenty years ago today. Happy Birthday to you."
3 - She laughs like hell & screams along whenever the baby dinosaur yells, "Not the mama!"
2 - She keeps asking if seventy fifth trimester abortions are illegal
1 - She says she wants to "just be friends."
Top 5 Signs You’re With the Wrong Girl
5 - You call to say you’ll be home soon, and she says "who is this?"
4 - You buy a used car and find one of her dresses in the backseat.
3 - She says "come on over, there’s no one home." You go over, and there’s no one home.
2 - During sex she says "Alright, alright, I get the idea!"
1 - She has the cutest adam’s apple you’ve ever seen.
Top 5 Alternative Uses for Condoms There was LOTS of condom talk on our Valentine's '96 show with condom and other giveaways, and special guest Lee Condom, decendant of the inventor himself..
5 - balloon snakes
4 - windsock at Lilliput Airport
3 - travel size colostomy bag
2 - Barbie hip waders
1 - PICKLE COOZIES!! It's official. Lee & Wolfe are the only DJ's ever to say "pickle coozie" on air!
Top 5 Signs That Your Radio Station Is in Trouble Two of these happened at WVUA...
5 - The only bumper stickers you have to give away say "Dukakis in '88."
4 - Your new Program Director has a "prison standard" haircut.
3 - You're trying to play CD's by spinning them really fast on a turntable.
2 - DJ's have to call the listeners to give a away tickets.
1 - 3 words: New Mariah Carey!
Top Five pet peeves of Chelsea Clinton
5 - Dad's always lying buck naked in the Lincoln room watching Dukes of Hazard reruns.
4 - When the so-called "Math Tutor" tries to trick her into balancing the budget.
3 - Daddy keeps insisting that there is no Special Agent Fox Mulder.
2 - When Socks craps on her private school uniform.
1 - Uncle Roger's affectionate, drunken stupors.
The 15th through the 11th thing that tipped off the unabomber's family The evening we wrote this one, Letterman came on and did the same damn topic. We changed three of ours which were too much like his. Damn those brilliant Letterman writers!
15 - Sculpted bombs out of mashed potatoes at dinner.
14 - Always asked for alarm clocks for gift-giving holidays.
13 - All through Speed, kept sayin' "now what he shoulda done was..."
12 - Explained away house shaking noises from his bedroom as "bad gas."
11 - At suprise parties, instead of suprise, he'd yell "ka-boom!!"
Top 5 Unusual and Suprising Items Sold at the Jackie O. Auction
5 - Ted Kennedy's keg tap collection
4 - Mapplethorpe-style photos featuring J. Edgar Hoover
3 - John F.'s nuclear button clapper
2 - The Aristotle Onassis' gold plated hernia truss
1 - a bullet proof helmet (never used)
Top 5 Chinese Fortune Cookie Fortunes 09/01/95
5 - Nobody cares that you are a DJ.
4 - Your family loves you more when you come home in a drunken tirade.
3 - Something will happen tomorrow.
2 - You should have used protection last night.
1 - Wait! Don't eat that cookie!
Top 5 Stores at the New Redneck Mall
5 - Bubba’s Secret
4 - Radio Shed
3 - Rifles Is Us
2 - The Limited, Vocabulary
1 - Vinnison-Fil-A
Top 5 Reasons Lisa Marie Is Divorcing Jacko (Michael Jackson) 1/19/96
5 - Macauly Culkin snores.
4 - She found out Michael was seeing Bubbles.
3 - Michael kept bitching at her for leaving the seat up.
2 - Irreconcilable nose jobs.
1 - She fell in love with a different gay petophile!
Top 5 DJ Nicknames For V-91 Listeners 03/15/96
5 - Potential dates
4 - My Five Friends
3 - Co-workers
2 - Gullible bastards
1 - Requestinators
Top 5 Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't 07/27/95
5 - Coming soon
4 - Deliveries in rear
3 - Thickens upon standing
2 - Slippery when wet
1 - Pay before you pump
Top 5 Lee Overstreet Dating Tips 07/27/95 The better you know us, the funnier this will be...
5 - If she won't go out with you, serve her with a legal notice.
4 - Wherever you take her, mention the Lee & Wolfe show for special discounts at fine local restaraunts.
3 - Jump her before she asks what church you go to.
2 - Make her think you're open-minded by staring at other girls.
1 - Don't take her to your place. Your dad might not be dressed. Lee has long since moved out to share a place with Wolfe, who is forbidden to lay around in his undies.
Top 5 Anal Retentive Things to Say in Bed 09/08/95
5 - Stay on the towel! Stay on the towel!
4 - Our lingerie doesn't match...
3 - Move your feet, I just waxed that headboard!
2 - I've really gotta dust that ceiling.
1 - Aw honey! You made me lose count!
Top 5 Lesser Known Provisions In the NCAA Ruling Against Alabama 08/03/95 'Bama got in trouble. And at the time, plans were to add to the end zone seating...
5 - Visiting alumni can only run over 3 students per Winnebago.
4 - Stadium must now be expanded in the most ridiculous way possible by adding seats to the end zone. (oh, wait...)
3 - Referees will be from the Canadian Football League.
2 - Athletic supporters now worn by cheerleaders only.
1 - 4 words: Operation Big Al Drop!
Regional / Tuscaloosa Specific...
Top 5 Reasons for the Bibb County Population Increase
(besides getting riled up by all that Monica talk comin in on the aerial)
5 - Repeated miracle sightings of Elvis an a J & J Auto Repair oil slick.
4 - Pheremone Skoal
3 - Krackeroos recently debuted a new line of lingerie
2 - One too many "Bring Your Daughter to Work" days.
1 - New County Commissioner: Wilt Chamberlin
Top 5 Signs the CIA Is Trying to Overthrow the University of Alabama
5 - Black Crown Vics crowd the parking lot behind Ten Hoor
4 - Mallet Assembly suddenly armed to the tee
3 - Almost no kegs make it from The Campus Party Store to a frat house, those that do? Filled with Ebola.
2 - Sorenson replaced with Guatemalan thug in camouflage.
1 - Fabricated extra-marital affair by beloved football coach
Top 5 Reasons Kip Tyner Withdrew from the City Counsil Race Kip Tyner--Mr. Tuscaloosa and former TV33 weatherman and News Director, suffers much from our humor.
5 - Other members refused to let him stand in front of a blue screen for speeches
4 - He’s touring later this year with DJ EZ Rodg to promote his single "Kip Hop Hooray"
3 - Needs time to write his autobiography “The Moustache Makes the Man”
2 - The TV 33 transmitter needs to be dismantled, and he’s always wanted to be a construction worker.
1 - He wants to have children!!
Top 5 Ways to Spice Up Talk of the Town More Kip Tyner humor... (he hosts the show)
5 - Geraldo(r) Brand "Throwing Chairs"
4 - Rip Taylor confetti raid.
3 - Lee & Wolfe's 5-minute, Talk of the Town segment: How to Pirate Cable Service
2 - Tie for number two! The Susan Tucker rejection gong. ...Or... Extended Miss Prissy monologues
1 - (singing...) Backstreet's Back, Alright!
Top 5 Rejected Names for the Band Flatbed Love Truck
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