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Top 5 Signs You've Been Sitting on Your Foot Too Long
5. The grandkids you didn't know you had think you're a one legged midget.
4. You see your shoe on a milk carton.
3. When you jump up to dance along with the Riverdance commercial, you burst into tears of pain far sooner than normal.
2. Instead of the runs, you have a bad case of the stumbles.
1. You replace David Duchovney as host of the all new "Brown Shoe Diaries."
Top 5 Signs Canines Are Running the Department of Transportation
5. At the bottom of every repaired pothole is a bone.
4. Road workers are always stretched out precisely where you have to drive.
3. To get your drivers license, you must demonstrate ability to lift one rear tire.
2. Chewed-up orange cones lead drivers in circles 'til they fall over.
1. All vanity plates are misspelled with lots of R's.
Top 5 Euphemisms for Peeing in the Pool
9. Running silent
8. Submerging the lemonaid stand
7. Keeping it warm for old folks
6. Connecting the Yangtze and the Yellow
5. Running the bilge pump
4. Relaxing your mizzen mast
3. Brewing community tea
2. Grinning in the deep end
1. Horatio Hornblowing
Top 5 Opening Lines from Rejected Penthouse Letters
5. Dear Penthouse, I've been working at Merrill Gardens retirement home for six years now and I never suspected anything like this could happen to me.
4. Dear Penthouse, my wife and I were getting bored with our sex life, cramming one household object after another into my anus.
3. Dear Penthouse, ever since I became president (I won't say of which country) my sex life with Laura has gone downhill, until South African President Thabo Mbeki came a callin'
2. TIE: Dear Penthouse, it still hurts when I drink milk. -OR- Dear Penthouse, I've been an accountant for 34 years.
1. Dear Mr. Penthouse Letters, you may already have won $10,000,000
Top 5 Changes on the Space Station Now that the Italians Are There
5. They're no longer called a "crew." Now they're "family."
4. Everyone's space boots look FABULOUS!
3. Crew keeps annoying the mission commander by ending every sentence with "ciao, over."
2. The appearance of disappointed soccer hooligans, unable to trample anyone while flailing around in zero G.
1. Pope Hat Docking Module
Top 5 Ways Mail Carriers Lie to You
5. Delivering bills hurts me more than it hurts you.
4. I have no idea why your dog is so lethargic and drooling lately.
3. I did not borrow your Playboy, it came like that.
2. No, Mr. President, I don't hear a ticking sound.
1. It's not like I'm gonna shoot anybody with this.
Top 5 Ways to Mispronounce Sean Combs' New Name
19. Fiddle Faddle
18. Pepperdine
17. Peter Jennings
16. Jim Dandy
15. Lydia the Tattooed Diddy
14. Scritti Politti
13. Diddy Fayed
12. Hey Diddle Diddle
11. Piccadilly
10. Oh Sheila
9. Dick Trickle
8. Libby's Libby's Libby's
7. Diddler on the Roof
6. Shawn Colvin
5. Pam Dawber
4. Supercalifragilisticexpialadipstick
3. P. Dido
2. Paducah, Kentucky
1. G Gordon Diddy
Top 5 Signs Your Tax Advisor is Going Nuts
5. He has a hacking cough and insists you fill out Form 44D
4. Asks to come to your home and "itemize" your underwear drawer.
3. His only tax shelter is behind his desk built of blankets, couch cushions, and cardboard boxes.
2. Latches onto your leg, weeping, begging to be your dependent.
1. He's wearing Nikes, and on April 15th, plans to ascend to the spaceship in the comet's tail.
Top 5 Least Successful Movie Special Effects
5. In the new E! Movie Spinning Out of Control, you can see the wires holding up Kathy Lee Gifford's breasts
4. In Dances with Wolves, the herds of weiner dogs with horns taped to their heads.
3. The end of Boogie Nights where they pasted in Wolfe's penis.
2. Bullet-time bathroom scene in Grumpier Old Men (There is no prune)
1. The morphing of Anna Nicole Smith into an actress.
Top 5 SUV Names for 2003
8 - Chevy Decapitator
7 - Buick Bling
6 - Peterbilt Neo Gothic
5 - GMC Pangea
4 - Lincoln Misogynist XL
3 - Infiniti Fiefdom
2 - Hyundai Green Machine (The "Little Big Car")
1 - Lexus Compensator, Eddie Bauer Edition
Top 5 Unfunded Religious Charities
7 - Stewart Smalley's Holy Trinity of Me, Myself and I.
6 - Carmen's Tanning Salon and Video Rental ('cause he's George Hamil-tan!)
5 - Church's Chicken
4 - The Mormon Prison Poly-bitchism Outreach Program
3 - Barney's Mecca Ranch
2 - Holy Organization of Men Only (or, H.O.M.O.)
1 - LL Cool WWJD
Top 5 Signs Your Wooly Mammoth is Sick
5 - Won't go fetch his gigantic spit covered tennis ball.
4 - He's vomiting on a weeknight.
3 - He eats ALL of the grass.
2 - He's floating upside down in his tank ("You kids said you were gonna take care of him, clean up after him and look… now they're extinct!")
1 - Paleontologists are circling overhead.
Top 5 Things George W. Bush Will Want to Change About the White House
5 - Take down black lights, replace round velvety bed.
4 - Replace trap door in front of Presidential desk with a device to lethally injectalize folks.
3 - Paint limos white, attach Boss Hogg longhorns.
2 - Don't not inhale, instead don't not snort.
1 - Hang cigars out to dry.
Top 5 Florida Vacation T-shirt Slogans (This list came during the Florida Presidential recounts, which -- as we all know -- lasted until 2003)
5 - Jews for Nazis
4 - Ask me about my lawsuit
3 - Naked Co-Ed Voting!
2 - I Survived DKE Election Week 2000
(Multiple No. 1's are due to uncertain results in the ballot counting)
1 - Official Breast and Ballot Inspector
1 - I voted with stupid.
1 - My parents voted in Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Top 5 Party Games at a Palestinian Birthday
5 - Pin the Tail on the Infidel
4 - Body Sack Race
3 - Spin the Molotov
2 - Jihad Jenga
1 - Duck Duck Goat
Top 5 Flavors of Chewable RU-486
5 - Miss Carry Berry
4 - Chunkalate
3 - Broken Watermelon
2 - Chicken
1 - Bananabortion
Top 5 New KFC Maggot Meal Slogans (A news story had recently been released about a family that had discovered maggots in their KFC meal. You're welcome)
5 - "I want my baby flies, baby flies, baby flies, baby flies…" (to the tune of Chili's Baby-Back Ribs song)
4 - We love to see you wretch.
3 - Taste the difference larvae makes.
2 - (in hip-hop style) "Go maggot, go maggot, go maggot, go maggot…"
1 - It's squirmilicious!
Top 5 Relationship Problems of Fencing Champions
5 - The tip of your John Thomas buzzes when you try to put it in.
4 - The embarrassment of showing up to practice with the wrong clothes 'cause you're married to a nurse.
3 - Sexuality always in question due to prissy hand-on-hip stance.
2 - Your beekeeper mom-in-law keeps asking you for help.
1 - You thrust, she parrys.
Top 5 Ways Al Gore Celebrates Arbor Day
5 - Go back to visit that special place where he and Tipper carved their initials into himself.
4 - Hold a fund raiser at a Druid temple.
3 - Order a beef 'n' cheddar and curly fries (…Oh wait, that's Arby's Day).
2 - Pour out a 40 for all his clear cut homies.
1 - "Plant" another Gore daughter.
Top 5 New Features of the 2000 Miss America Contest
5 - Form alliances, eat rats, vote each other off the stage.
4 - Body tape removal highlight reel.
3 - Remote controlling high-heeled battlebots
2 - Talent can now consist of siphoning gas from SUV's.
1 - Transparent ruby, tangerine, and sage iBikinis.
Top 5 Reasons George W. Bush Gave for Coming to Alabama
5 - Snow Skiing
4 - Seeking Most Favored Nation trading status for Selma
3 - The 707 threw a rod over Jackson, Mississippi, and J&J auto parts is having a sale
2 - To shine a glorious light on a state which is a model of worker fairness, racial harmony, and economic miracles that make up compassionate conservatism.
1 - Bought pine straw on eBay
Top 6 Reality-Based Shows on PBS
6 - The Muppets Take Manhattan
5 - Battle of the Network Stargazers!
4 - Three Tenors in a Loft
3 - Bollocks 2
2 - The New Yankee Uncharted Island
1 - Dr. Who: Trauma
Top 5 Signs Lee & Wolfe's Intern Heather Got a Job
5 - Lee & Wolfe keep dodging subject of 401(k) rollovers
4 - Not even the most insignificant office supply remains in the radio station
3 - Last week's yard sale was 50% black t-shirts with band names
2 - Lee can now -- and I quote -- "get his own damn cereal."
1 - "Blah blah blah tax bracket blah blah."
Top 5 Summertime Suicide Methods
5 - Sprinkler Enema
4 - Pop Ice hari kari (a friend has to be there with giant fudgesicle to lop off your head)
3 - Strap cinder blocks to your feet, and plunge into your brother's Pokemon wading pool
2 - Strip naked and throw yourself on your dashboard.
1 - Continuous loop listening of that damn Will Smith song (Summertime)
Top 5 Signs Janet Reno is Shrinking
5 - Over the past six months, the ATF has surrounded and firebombed an occult compound, a church, a duplex, a trailer, a tree house, and a birdhouse.
4 - Nearly killed in the garbage disposal by her house maid, Conception
3 - Allows Elian to stay so she can date him
2 - Now she has two things in common with Michael J. Fox.
1 - She can hardly keep her glasses on her shoulders.
Top 5 Jokes Russian Leader Putin is Sick of
5 - I guess we'll continue AIR-bombing Chechnya now...
4 - Here he is, the grand pootentate of the Kremlin!
3 - TIE for #3: Who's the sharpest President in the world???? - OR -Whew! Who's the President in here?!?
2 - Hey Putin, we need more fuel for MIR! Oh wait, *I* have an idea!
1 - Beans, beans, good for your heart. The more you eat 'em, the more you become the President of Russia.
Top 5 Rejected Candy Heart Slogans
5 - Choke on me.
4 - But soft, what light through yonder window breaks. Tis the east, and Juliet is the sun.
3 - TIE for number 3: Oh, alright. -OR- No Scrubs.
2 - FD&C Yellow #5
1 - Mommy Style
Top 5 Republican Gay Porno Movies
5 - Tax Cut, Tax UN-cut!
4 - Cum-Passionate Conservative
3 - Get It on the President's Desk
2 - Capital GAYYYYnes
1 - Senator PACKWOOD
Top 5 Real Reason's Tom Hanks Got an Award from the Navy
5 - Dead-on imitation when filling in for Village People's Leather Guy
4 - Taught carrier mess hall cook how to make boiled shrimp, stuffed shrimp, grilled shrimp, fried shrimp, shrimp casserole, shrimp cocktail, shrimp scampi, barbecue shrimp, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp salad, creamy shrimp pasta, shrimp a-la-mode, shrimp flambé, shrimp hoagies, shrimp roll-ups, shrimp pockets, shrimp pot pie, shrimp smoothie, shrimp upside down cake, shrimp vein soup, Kellogg's Shrimp Flakes, Shrimp Newtons (they're shrimp and cake!)
3 - He screwed a mermaid, for crying out loud!
2 - Four words: Peter Scolari Bell Bottoms
1 - His "tailhook" is in the front, if you know what I mean!
Top 5 Lee & Wolfe Top 5 Lists in 2099
5 - Top 5 Signs the Genome Ministry Keyed in Your Baby Wrong
4 - Top 5 Signs Professional Upsilon Andromedae Glalactian Wrestling is Fake
3 - Top 5 Reasons to Shoot Yourself in the Ass with a Ray Gun
2 - Top 5 Simliarities Between Zachary Taylor and Zachary Hanson's Presidencies
1 - Top 5 Signs Your Roommate's Sex Droid Is in the Shop
Top 5 OSHA Violations of the Christian Coalition
5 - Proper facial protective gear not being worn when using nose to penetrate Republican's anus.
4 - Fall protection at church construction sites should not be implemented via nails through palms.
3 - Part 1953, Subpart C, Paragraph 22(a)(2)(c) strictly limits the chlorine in Baptismal water to combat the explosive numbers of frizzy bleach blondes in Alabama.
2 - Often more than 2 people at a time on non-regulation soapboxes.
1 - Those freaks keep filling out accident reports in tongues.
Top 5 Signs a Supermodel is First Lady
5 - In the Lincoln bedroom closet: First Jars of First Vomit.
4 - For each press conference, the President approaches the podium via a catwalk, sporting clearly visible nipples, and striking summer colors.
3 - Federal Phen-Phen Funding
2 - As you flip the page to February on your new Sports Illustrated 2000 swimsuit calendar, you're confronted with a hideous image of Lady Bird Johnson
1 - "Food: Just Say NO!"
Top 5 Uses for 150 Mile Per Hour Winds
5 - Set out a lawn chair in front of the capitol, and watch the toupee races.
4 - Your Chevy Chevette finally breaks the speed limit and "makes good time."
3 - Face the wind, pull down your pants, open your mouth, and play a rousing game of Human Whistle.
2 - You could finally one-up Monica Lewinsky, couldn't ya?
1 - Alabama "X Games" can now feature trailer sailing.
Top 5 JFK Jr. Jokes
5 - Q. Why didn't JFK, Jr. take a shower before he left for the Vineyard? A. He said he'd wash up on shore!
4 - Q: Why is Ted so jealous of John John? A: John John can drown two women at a time!
3 - Q: Did you hear about all the confusion at JFK airport? A: The luggage keeps arriving before the passengers.
2 - "Hey, did you hear JFK Jr. changed his name to Bob?"
1 - Q. What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard? A. The runway.
Top 5 Uses for the World's Tiniest Robots
9 - Cause the layoffs of thousands of tiny autoworkers
8 - Collect ticket proceeds from the movie Wild Wild West?
7 - Warn Will Robinson of every single trivial concern
6 - Measure Puff Daddy's talent
5 - Collect them all... together they form MEGA TINY ROBOT!
4 - Advance the science of Weebil wars
3 - Win the MIT Jenga Tournament
2 - Explore the planetary system around Oprah
1 - Star in Fox TV's new "World's Most Dangerous Tiny Robot Crashes."
Top 5 Signs You've Picked a Bad Barber
5 - Copies of Hustler in the waiting area. (also on Top Ways to Tell if you've Chosen the Right Barber)
4 - Empty FLO-BEE boxes near the dumpster.
3 - Reading material in waiting area includes Glamour, Car and Driver, and "So You Wanna Cut Hair?"
2 - Asks you to spit in the little sink.
1 - Band Aides EVERYWHERE!
Top 5 Rejected Wrestler Names
13 - Sphincter
12 - Steve Austin Powers
11 - Ezekial Canasta
10 - Neil Patrick Harris
9 - Tossed Salad Man
8 - Lex Loogie
7 - Toccatta & Fugue
6 - Randy Savage Garden
5 - Paul Bearer Bryant
4 - The Deco-Rator
3 - Vas Deferens
2 - Captain Cable
1 - Darth Poof (with a poofy lisp: "Fee-ar! Fear ith for the fearful!")
Top 5 Ways to Tell Your Comedy Partner Hates You
5 -. When you say, "Why did the chicken cross the road?", he responds with, "Probably to get away from his pathetic, no-talent, leech of a partner."
4 - During your big London show, he suddenly says, "Hey, tell your joke about Lady Di and the British fleet!"
or : Suggests you boldly explore new territory with some wacky cancer jokes.
3 - That was a piping hot chicken pot pie he just put in your face.
2 - You catch him with another ventriloquist's hand up his ass.
1 - Changes your web address to bigfatloudmouthandwolfe.com
Top 5 Things to Do that IRS Agents Really Get a Kick Out Of
5 - Follow the amount of your refund with a comma and the word "BEEYATCH"
4 - Round up to the nearest thousand.
3 - Ask an agent for her bra size, then ask if she favors a flat tax.
2 - Ask them if they know where the push pins live. When they say no, say "tack shelters."
1 - Barter with chickens.
Top 5 Ways to Mispronounce Kosovo
12 - Kokomo
11 - Koso-cola
10 - Kato's home
9 - Grab your partner, Kosovo
8 - Eric Estrada
7 - Kosaba Melons
6 - GMC Sonoma
5 - Liddy Dolsovo
4 - Yugos don't go
3 - Kosovo bin Ladin
2 - Erikosovo Badu (You better call NATOoooo, but you can't use the red phone)
1 - Sebadoh
Top 5 Oscar Categories You Won't Hear About Sunday Night (on the Oscars)
5 - Best sex scene where you don't quite see it going in
4 - Best use of booze and drugs to simulate acting ability
3 - Best attempt to sneak past Joan "Face lift on a skeleton" Rivers
2 - Best blank stare by a Harrison Ford.
1 - Best assumption that the audience is retarded
Top 5 Things to Do with Castrated Cat Nuts.
5 - Sell the very best boiled peanuts in the county.
4 - Give your mom an exotic pair of "Siamese" earrings.
3 - You know what's fun to do with bubble wrap? Aw, yeah!
2 - Rabbits foot my ass. Now you have a real key chain.
1 - Stuff 'em with catnip and hand 'em right back!
Top 5 Jerry Falwell Complaints About the Lee & Wolfe Show
5 - So-called Intern / Wife Rachael and Host Lee never seen at the same place at the same time.
4 - At every joke, Engineer Nick and Largest Fan Patrick squeal like girl scouts.
3 - When echoing the "concert billboard," Wolfe raises his hands above shoulder level.
2 - Lee's pink Dooney & Burke bag of CD's. -or- Interns answering the phone "Interior Motives"
1 - Wolfe's nickname: Binky Stinky.
Top 5 Valentine's Gifts Exchanged on the Space Station MIR
5 - Whitminsky Borscht Sampler
4 - Fudge Sickles
3 - Another Monogrammed Patrushka Toolbox
2 - Handmade greeting card with poem: Roses are red, violets are blue, I knew it was love, when I Soyuz
1 - Poon Tang
Top 5 Signs It's Coming of Age Day in Japan
5 - Spring is approaching, and young mens' fancy turns to thoughts of ruv.
4 - Kids ready to party as they graduate from their last tiny bicycle, to their first tiny car.
3 - The deafening and heartbreaking cacophony of starving and neglected Tamagochis.
2 - Young men realize the smell of sushi doesn't just remind them of fish anymore.
1 - Sticky anime pages.
Top 5 Reasons There Were No Fatal American Plane Crashes in 1998
5 - We appeased the airplane gods by sacrificing John Denver.
4 - After air traffic control upgraded to Windows 98, controllers now only have to ask "Where do you want to go today?"
3 - Waterboy came out too late in the year for in-flight screenings.
2 - Cockpit sucking on Air Force One
1 - Superman working overtime picking the airplanes up by one engine and carrying them to safety.
Top 5 Unwanted Side Effects of a Very Hot Christmas
5 - Stinking, flea-ridden reindeer pulling a big red Sea-Doo
4 - Fruit cakes swell to enormous proportions as they become killer fruit puddings, ravaging cities across the nation.
3 - TIE FOR #3!!! : "You're a mean one, Mr. El Nino" -OR- Surprise holiday blockbuster: Frosty the Waterboy
2 - You can fry egg-nog on the sidewalk
1 - The smell on the set of Bob Hope's Christmas special is unbelieveable.
Top 5 Disturbing Occurances at the Kissing Seminar
5 - Paula Jones' MTV produced, "He asked me to kiss it" video.
4 - The panicked call from the Center for Disease Control.
3 - Our Largest Fan Patrick in a severe braces lock with one of the Olson twins.
2 - The hours d'ourvers? Garlic stuffed cow tongue.
1 - When the free samples of Altoids suddenly reclassified the "family" event.
Top 5 Surprises in the 36 Ken Starr Evidence Boxes
5 - Stained pair of Levi's Hard Jeans, 40 waist, relaxed fit
4 - New Hillary and Monica video: The Boy is Mine
3 - Janet Reno's collection of compromising Elanor Roosevelt photos.
2 - Box 13: Nothin' but moist cigars
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