Wolfe's Unauthorized Biography

NAME: Wolfe Kincaid

DATE OF BIRTH: June 6, 1559. Not a typo, I'm just too chicken to die.

NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: One brother in the army, one sister with a real job.

BIRTHPLACE: A planet far away from your solar system.

HOMETOWN: Tuscaloosa, AL. Not a typo, I'm just too chicken to move.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Gloriously single.

CROUTONS OR BACON BITS: I have to choose? Why just one? That's so bogus.

LENO OR LETTERMAN: They're both hacks. John Stewart has them on the run.

FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING: Lard.

SHAMPOO OR CONDITIONER: Horse shampoo

HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: For the safety of those around me, no.

DO YOU MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE: Do snakes kiss carefully?

FAVORITE COLORS: Picture how many red dresses Nancy Reagan has in her closet. That's how I am with black t-shirts.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME: Oops! I left this one blank.

ONE PILLOW OR TWO: My two plus hers.

PETS: Kitten Fred.

FAVORITE TYPES OF MUSIC: The kind that make you twist the throttle on the motorcycle and get yourself in trouble. Puddle of Mudd, Boy Hits Car, Disturbed, etc.

DREAM CAR: Ford Crown Victoria

TYPE OF CAR YOU DRIVE NOW: Buick Century Limited

TOOTHPASTE: Colgate Peroxide Whitening (Now with extra harsh acids and gritty sand added)

FAVORITE FOOD: Anything that will fit in my mouth.

FAVORITE TOWN TO CHILL IN: Cimmaron, NM. Only been there once, but it was great chillin'.

FAVORITE ICE CREAM: I have recently fallen in love with the entire line of Edy's Girl Scout Cookie Ice Cream

FAVORITE SOFT DRINK: Sprite, no ice.

FAVORITE TYPE OF FAMILY GAME TO PLAY: Kick the baby.

PLACE YOU WANNA VISIT: Hong Kong, St. Petersburg, Dothan. (Not necessarily in that order)

BAD TIME OF DAY FOR YOU: Daylight hours

FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR: Summer. I'm a thermal beast. Heat provides me with the energy I need to meet all challenges. Cold zaps me of my strength and constricts my movement.

NIKE, REEBOK, OR BRITISH KNIGHTS: It just so happens that I'm wearing New Balance. They come in wider sizes.

FAVORITE PERFUME OR COLOGNE: Ode de Get The Hell Away From Me With That Smelly Crap.

FAVORITE WEBSITE: Shitty pages like this one

FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: I like the classes that teach about the conservation of the Earthhehehehehe... I'm sorry. I tried to keep a straight face.

LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT: Anything that has to do with lofty, psychobabbly bullshit. Gimme hard facts and history and tangible things and I can wrap my head around it.

FAVORITE MOVIE(S) OF ALL TIME: Chan is the man. I have a working collection of Jackie Chan DVD's. My favorite so far is Miracles. Brilliant storytelling.

FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: The one and only time I have ever had an alcoholic drink was during band practice when I asked to have some of someone's water and she had Vodka in it instead. She thought it was hilarious. Bitch.


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